The Jokes Page

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up - a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said: "Ladies before Gentlemen." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said: "That's quite an act... Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said: "No problem, just get that friggin' tiger out of the cage!"

 
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. -- Your wife"

 
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."


He decides that she is obviously not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock."


He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "a pee-pee!"


He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it's a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, silly! A cock is 12 inches long and black!"

 
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.  The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, 
"That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" 
"Somersaults," says the man. 
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, 
"That's incredible. How many does he do?" 
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
 

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before  they're hatched."


"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran  out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. " Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking

 
Cooper Nails realized they were going through a sales slump. Mr. Cooper decided to make a television commercial and had the local station make one sight unseen to air the next week after the hockey game.


After the hockey game, on comes the spot. The commercial had Jesus nailed to the cross and underneath the caption said "Use cooper nails!" Mr. Cooper freaked out and told the station executives to quickly make another commercial to air after next week's hockey game because this one was totally inappropriate.

When the second commercial came on after the hockey game it showed Jesus running through the desert and there were two Roman soldiers running after him. The one soldier, out of breath says to the other, "We should have used Cooper nails."

 
A guy went to apply for a job with the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he was a veteran. The guy said "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."


Then the interviewer asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy responded, "Well, I stepped on a landmine over there and blew my testicles off."


"Great!" the interviewer responded. "We give disabled vets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asked the guy.


"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10. All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway."

 
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a bottle of Coke, a bag of tortilla chips and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says: "Single, Huh?"
The guy chuckles sarcastically and grins, saying: "How'd you guess?"
To which the clerk replies: "Because you're so fat and ugly."

 
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long. 


In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,  "How did it go?" 
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

 
A couple of Irish hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing; his eyes were rolled back in his head. His friend took out his cell phone and called emergency.
He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There was silence, then a shot was heard. The guy's voice came back on the line. He said, "OK, now what?"

 
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. 


"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. 
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.


They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."  The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 
A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT."


His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lot is a stone building. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your sign and was interested in possibly doing some business" he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.


He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. 
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves. 
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun holding a tin cup. 
This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.  As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

 
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it."  God said, "No. I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair colour before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it.

She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed. 


Arriving in front of God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live. What happened?"  God replied, "Oh shit, I didn't recognize you!"

 
This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought one and took it home.


That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
But there was no reply.
He tried again, "Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me?"
Again, no response.
Figuring he'd been had, he decided to give it one more try before taking the thing back to the shop.
So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?"
"For fuck's sake, I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my shoes on."

 
Sister Marlena entered the Abbey of Silence and the Abbess said, "Sister, this is a silent abbey. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Marlena lived in the Abbey for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed." 
I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbess said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by the Abbess.
"You may say another two words, Sister Marlena."
"Cold food," said Sister Marlena, and the Abbess assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the Abbey, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena into her office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Sister Marlena.
"It is probably best," said the Abbess. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

 
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody sharing this with no one!"

 
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."


Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.


That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke...
"Fuck, I'm pissed!"

 
Guy goes into the doctor's office. 
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

 
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

 
 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."

 

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